WHEN YOUR CHILD IS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER, one of the kindest things you can do for yourself and others is to let people help you. that can be easier said than done… so let’s make it easy for you.
One of the hardest parts of my own journey was learning to accept help. Letting people clean my house, or wash my car, or do my laundry, felt excruciating in the early days.
“I can do those things!”, I’d think. But I wasn’t doing those things - I was too tired, too worried, too in pain (from my caesarean section) and too overwhelmed. I was juggling a just-two year old with cancer, along with a newborn. Any time that wasn’t spent in hospital receiving treatment was time that I wanted to spend with my boys, or time that I wanted to sleep. Friends, acquaintances, friends of friends - there was no shortage of people offering to help. The issue was me: my own fear that I’d look like I wasn’t coping, or that I was not trying hard enough, or that people would see how emotionally messy and definitely not-having-all-my-shit-together that I was.
From day dot in our cancer journey, I appointed my Mum as Director of Practical Support. When I sent out a Facebook update that Fox had cancer, I acknowledged upfront that there would be people who wanted to help, and those people should email her to see how they could. It was the best thing I did, because it is a lot easier for someone who cares about you to accept and coordinate help on your behalf, than it might be for you to do that for yourself. It’s also about kindness - when you give people a way in to help you, then you give them a way to feel less impotent and horrified in the face of your disaster.
The joy for me now is having grown out of those fears of people seeing me be emotionally messy or not having it all together, and being able to confidently ask for help. People will tell you if they can’t give it, but the reality is that most of the time they are delighted to be able to give it. And that makes sense: we all love to help other people. Accepting help has meant that a true village has sprung up around my family, and there is so much community in our weeks, now. It’s a genuine delight.
resources
appointing a director of practical support
Lots of people will say “Tell me what you need,” or “Let me know how I can help,” when they find out your child has cancer. You might not know it yet, but your life will be so much better for accepting whatever help is offered. However, coordinating that help is not easy to do when you’re grappling with your child’s diagnosis, suddenly spending lots of time in hospital, and trying to contain the fall out of childhood cancer across the rest of your life.
The Director of Support role is where someone accepts and coordinates help on your behalf. This will free you up to focus on your child, while the other needs in your life still continue to be met.
This article sets out a high level job description for this role, the type of person who would be great at it, how to ask someone to do this for you, and things we learnt from putting this role in place.
Appointing a director of communications
There is an awful lot to be said for giving someone else the job of “mouth piece to the masses” about how things are going. You won’t have to keep reliving, or repeating, where everything is up to.
Here’s how to ask someone to do this job, and some parameters you might want to put around it.
outsourcing the logistics of life
There are so many things that you do on a regular basis for yourself to keep your life ticking along. Here is a long list of them, with a check box next to each one. All you have to do is put a tick next to the things that you would be happy for others to do for you while you support your child through treatment, so when people offer to help, you’ll be clear on how they can. Or, better yet, do this, and then give this list to your Director of Practical Support to coordinate for you.
receiving financial support
Some people are going to want to give you money. Your initial impulse might be to resist that, but please think on it a bit longer before you do. Parking alone can cost you enormous amounts over the duration of treatment. Have a read about the kind of costs you might incur, how to graciously accept money that is offered from others, or, if that still doesn’t feel good to you, other ‘money substitutes’ that you might ask others to gift instead.
present ideas by age
Are people wanting to give a gift, and are asking you what to get? This list should make it a bit easier.
Not all presents are great for hospital, but that’s okay - not all cancer kids spend all their time in hospital. We’ve included a little asterix against present ideas that are particularly hospital friendly.